Christmas time is here

I've been in Livermore for a few days now. Being around my family stresses me out so much...and I'm still deciding whether the paper (detailing the dysfunctional aspect of my family) has made this stay easier or harder. Oh well. There has been less drama than expected, so that makes me happy. I think I come home expecting the worse. The worse has rarely happened, and usually I'll get somewhere in gray: the worst didn't happen, but neither did the best. I received maybe one of the nicest compliments from my sister though. My dad was throwing this party (the solctice party... my parents are a bunch of hippies) and given a cold I've contracted I felt sooo antisocial. I wasn't talking to anyone, and I was building up the invisible fortress so that no one would come talk to me. Then the neighbors came over with their precious children. Finally, I thought to myself, someone I could enjoy talking to! hahaha... Anyway, I was showing one of the boys how to play some things on the piano, and afterwards, my sister Lisa pulled me aside and said, "Allana, for all that is good and holy, please have children. You will make an excellent mother. That was beautiful how you interacting with him it really almost moved me to tears." Granted, my sister was a little tipsy at the time, but it was very touching. One woman at the party asked if we were best friends. My sister, again a little tipsy, said that we'll never be best friends but we'll always be sisters. At first I was like, well humph! But then I realized how true that was (I guess alcohol really can be a truth serum, eh?). I rarely talk to her, just as with anyone in my family. But I do know that I can always rely on her to be there as my sister. We're complete opposites (no one would believe we are related), but we'll always be sisters.

Again, I'm always worried about how my family will judge me. I worry that they will like me less than my other sisters because I'm the weird Mormon one that just doesn't get their world anymore, and that desires completely different things out of life. I live in constant fear that they are not proud of me, that they are embarrassed by me, or disappointed in me that I didn't become what they wanted. However, I think I'm realizing that despite that, they still love me.

I'm being reminded right now, as I'm at home actually trying to indulge my talents, that the parable of the talents is true! I mean, obviously it is or we wouldn't hear it over and over again at church. But still. For many years during undergrad, I really did not practice piano consistently, and I lost it a little. However, as I've been trying to consistently work on certain pieces this year, I've gotten better. Art....oh my gosh. I used to be so good at art and I could be so much better but I totally put that on a back burner while studying. I've been working on these sketches of my nephews and sure they look like children...but not the children I want them to look like! It's making me so discouraged (especially since they need to get done by Christmas!), but I know that I need to not get discoruaged or else I will completely lose any ability I once had. I'm looking forward to Christmas as usual ... more to come later.