Hardest Thing

Taken from this list, I am to write about the hardest thing I ever experienced. 

There were a couple challenges that come to mind, but I will focus on the challenge that is maybe more unique to my experience even though at the time I did not feel like it was a big challenge at the time.  Many of you who know me well (and really, I think maybe 2 people read my blog?  If you do not count the random people from Russia and Poland that somehow make their way to my blog...), you probably know a little bit of this background.  After my parents' divorce, we moved up to the Bay Area, where my mom met with an old high school "sweetheart" (I did not find him too sweet) and they started abusing drugs together.  The boyfriend was kind a jerk and we didn't like him.


Once my mom's addiction spiraled out of control, she didn't really take mind where she used drugs.  She would use in front of us all the time.  She'd leave her paraphernalia out in the open.  There were times that she even brought us along to East Oakland (read: shady part of town) to buy drugs, then would pull over to the side of the road, hit up, and keep on driving.  At the time, I did not necessarily feel it was the "hardest thing" but looking back, the social worker in me is flipping out. 

Things continued to spiral out of control - she and her boyfriend got into fights over drugs, she started stealing to be able to fund her drug habit and the cost of raising children, and she even took us to the bank and made us cash in our savings bonds to pay the bills she could not pay because she had spent her money on drugs (I was soooo mad at the time and surely thought she had just cost me my college education with my measly $50 savings bond).  Eventually, she was caught writing bad checks and had to do some jail time.  At this point, we moved in with my grandmother - my dad would have taken us, but he and my grandmother agreed that it would be best not to change things up too much. 

So, this is another downer entry, but I want to share some positives to this experience. The first one is kinda a downer but it has been faith building for me as I look back on this moment.  I remember one time, after my mom was in jail, we went to the house to pick some things up.  My mom's boyfriend's side lover answered the door (talk about "awkward!") and there was just this really eerie feeling to the home.  The sink was randomly running, the sink was overflowing with dishes.  I went to my room to pack a suitcase and I noticed the bathroom light was on.  I reached out to open the door, but when I had my hand on the door I had the distinct impression that I should not open it.  Mind you, this is long before I had gone to any church, but I listened because I had heard of guardian angels and just in case they existed, and it was a guardian angel talking to me, I wanted to listen.  Well, my grandad went back later I think to make sure everything was locked and closed up and he went to turn off that bathroom light.... and found my mother's boyfriend's dead body.  It appeared he had died of a drug overdose.  I look back at this and think if I had opened the door, one of two things could have happened.  1.  An 11-year-old, on top of everything else that was experienced recently, would have found a dead body, or 2.  I would have found him not quite dead yet, and ambulance would have been called, he might have made a recovery, and perhaps my mom would have not been able to get her life somewhat back in order as she had. 

Weird story, I know, and I don't share it with many, but since many do not read my blog I figure why not?  As unorthodox as this experience was, I do think it really helped form me into who I am - mostly for the better (I'm sure I have baggage from it, but who doesn't have some type of baggage?).  I learned how to handle business on my own by a young age, so going to college or moving into an apartment wasn't as much of an adjustment for me.  I really learned how to listen - I was a young therapist for my mother which, inappropriate though it was, did help form a fundamental part of who I am.  I think it has lead me to my career, and has helped me better understand the population I serve.  So, while I do mourn some things I missed out on - a close relationship with my mother, a warm, trusting relationship with my family, etc. - I think it formed me into who I am today.