Change

I used to think that I dealt with change and stress pretty well.  Normally I can.  I can roll with the punches and adapt pretty easily.  However, today I am in freakout mode.  For the last several weeks, work has been particularly jarring and stressful (it didn't help that I took on overtime cases).  I am doing sub-par work and still feel like I'm barely keeping afloat because there is just so much to do.  I've also felt so uncertain and hopeless in regards to other aspects of my personal life.  Today, it was just the catalyst for all of these emotions of uncertainty, anxiety, hopelessness, depression, etc. to overcome me because all of these changes decided to hit at once.  First, of my roommates moved out officially today and although she will soon be replaced by another gal that used to live here (who I love), I am still mourning the positive energy and humor that she carries with her.  Second, I was released from my calling today as a counselor in the Relief Society presidency.  Luckily our president gave us the heads up because they forgot to extend formal/personal releases to us... if she hadn't given us the heads up, we would have heard about it for the first time from the pulpit.  I'm relieved to have that extra responsibility lifted from me - especially in the context of all of the other crap I'm dealing with - but I definitely feel a sense of loss and emptiness.  I enjoyed the opportunity to get outside of myself and serve, even if there were nights when I murmured about it because I had so much work to do... actually especially when I had those moments because it reminded me of the covenants I have made.  The final change for today is discovering that our Bishop will be released next week.  There are very few people in our ward that predate the Bishop.... and I happen to be one of them.  Our current Bishop is so kind and loving and he really has a healer's presence about him - however, he still manages to be straightforward and set people straight in the way that a Bishop needs to.  I've had this Bishop for 6 years... and I've actually only been a member for 9 (almost 10!) years.  There is something just more depressing about being in a ward longer than the bishop when it is a YSA ward.  Anyway, with this undercurrent of stress and uncertainty that has been present in other aspects of my life, I am just not handling these changes well.  The feelings of anxiety and hopelessness are just magnified and I just cannot feel calm or at peace.  I am just trying to repeat to myself, "Be still, and now I am God."  I need to remember that Heavenly Father might have a better life plan for me than I do.  Sometimes, I fail to see how that plan is better when I am darn near 30 and still single (not because I desire to be single) in a church that emphasizes the importance of marriage.  Just try to keep focused...